I Feel….Fat Tuesday

After waking this morning, I had a few moments to spare before getting the kids together. So of course I grabbed my phone and jump on Instagram. My "searchables" are filled with Transformation Tuesday pics, and then my mind went zero to one hundred real quick. After a few quick looks in the mirror while getting dressed, I suddenly felt saddened. I'm not satisfied with my results. My tummy isn't flat enough. My arms look flabby. The list goes on…… nonetheless as I'm standing in front of my full body mirror in walks two little people, who confirm my thoughts.

"Eww mommy needs to workout more." Yeah "like push-ups" said my kids. I quickly finished getting ready, and continued with my normal day-to-day activities. All the while, all I can think about was how god awful i look and feel. Why am I not back to my pre-preganancy weight by now? My body will never be the same.

January 2012 190's

Rewind to my days before motherhood. I was young, single, had a blossoming career, and my weight fluctuated around 131-136. During my first pregnancy (April 2010) I gained approximately 40 pounds. I went back to work almost immediately. The first ten pounds came off easy. I was back work to managing a wellness center for a federal government agency, teaching 5-6 classes a week and doing Insanity at home. Life was grand. Before what seemed like a blink of an eye, I had a birth control mishap and was pregnant again. I birthed my second child in December 2011, and with this pregnancy put on another 20-25 pounds. I don't remember my exact weight, but recall one of my last few appointments the medical assistant weighting me in at 191. I then shut out my weigh-ins those last few appointments.

I suffered postpartum depression with both pregnancies. I was miserable to say the least. October 2012 at 178, I joined Black Girls Run! with hopes of getting back to the "old me."

Circa January 2012 190's 

As of last week I'm at 161 and while I'm the smallest I've been in three years and have lost roughly 30 pounds, when I look in the mirror I still see the girl pictured above. Miserable, lonely, depressed, insecure, stressed, unpretty….are some of the words I would use to describe my self. I turned to food and my husband's baggy sweatpants. I hid myself from family and friends sabotaging many relationships. 

I know I've come a long way, and have an even longer way to go to reach my goals, but at the moment I feel…..FAT 

Are you or have you struggled with "fat" days? How do you cope? Ugh it's going to be a long day. 

Be Well,

LaToya